trey is fantastic.  he points me in the right direction.  thank you.

"creative people across all genres it seems have this reputation for being enormously mentally unstable........... norman mailer said, 'every one of my books has killed me a little more', an extraordinary statement to make about your life's work.........  i would prefer to keep doing this work that i love, and the question becomes how... i have to find some way to have a safe distance between me, as i am writing, and my very natural anxiety about what the reaction to that writing is going to be....."   eg.

spring sprouts.

my regrets are few.

"if my life is mine, what shouldn't i do?" -- m e t r i c.

plastic fantastic

"i never knew

'what is love'

until you came into my life

now i know less"

-daren

summer/travel inspiration.

a tshirt that says:

"hey,
you and i
are going to have
a big
love affair
and it won't work
but somewhere in
the middle
my god, we tried."

lina's polaroid project.

oh anais, i love you.

"I will not be just a tourist in the world of images, just watching images passing by which I cannot live in, make love to, possess as permanent sources of joy and ecstasy."

tid bits.

hey felines,

i am in the process of making myself a website... je ne sais pas if i will use both this and the website-to-be... but it's exciting all the same *

estudiante.

i love doing reports on bali.

it gives me an excuse to dream greatly.

[i've been told i don't live in reality. my own world suits me.]

*photo of tanah lot, i missss it.

lurve.

my hair has been a messy mess of mary-kate.

the sea, the bird, the message.

and everything in between.

remember it.

yesterday: long.
today: the lost song. [you know what you do].
tomorrow: long.

fuh-he-gee!

w h e n t h e l i g h t s g o o u t

y o u t u r n t h e m o n a g a i n

to love.

she is one of my favorite photographers, who really inspires everything i try to create.
the biggest compliments i have ever received, were my resemblance to elle m's work (model who shoots with a simple digital camera), and that my images reminded someone of the above. it melts my heart.

<3

if you only knew!

"a criminal who drank champagne, and never could be caught!"

bring down like i.

wednesday is a day for weeding.

curve balls.
they come from left, right, top, center, bottom.
they come on diagonals, and sometimes, their direction is simply unknown.

they hit, some harder than others.
they explode a mess of words, of thoughts, of opinions, of emotions.

emotion. i have plenty.
from my heart i crave love and beauty in every moment, in every touch, in every glance, walk, tear, bite, thought, mistake, feeling.........
but more importantly, i want these things not only for myself, but for others.

when these moments of uncertainty find you,
when challenges arise,
when the world does not simply seem to be right,
the only thing we can control, is our presence.
out of all the unexpected, unplanned, surprising, joyous, hurtful, completely-wrecked-feeling moments, the importance of 'appearing in your face' (rb) is so much more than necessary -- it is everything.
a fall from grace, recovered with a smile.
a hurtful encounter, healed with forgiveness.
love gone wrong, countered with a passion for PASSION itself.

you can't control the world.
it owes you nothing.
you can't control people -- we are each our own.
but you can appear. you can show up. you can live each moment with feeling, with dignity, with insane moments of sheer madness -- as long as you FEEL, LIVE, LOVE.
appreciate yourself, but appreciate how you reflect on others too.

i'd rather live my moments with complete surrender to beauty and love and all the things i believe in. i'd rather take a side, a stand, a position.

it's not about anyone else. it's about you.

kayak for one.

*the middle photo is not mine 

roadside symphony.

so, so, so, so, so much inspiration as of late...  

denni and i exchange short novel chapters back and forth.  we are a work in progress.  soon she heads for my beaches blue, and while i am left behind to the curse of the North, i still am finding myself there with her.  "we tore each other apart," she writes, speaking of passionate love affairs.  my heart melts with hers.  if there is anyone in the world who is my soulmate, it truly is her *

constantly connected to my computer, i find myself listening to the most beautiful of sounds, glancing over the most intimate of moments captured on film, and exchanging creative inspiration with others -- mostly, elizabeth.   this girl who mixes her sense of beauty, fashion, design decor, with a passion for creating, experiencing, knowing, and bettering herself, provides me with a daily reminder that 'true' souls do exist.  she lives without excess, and yet her world is full of divine things.  she and her beau are the reason i believe in love beyond literature, beyond the cinema.  "love is the thing you know" -satc.   i need to plan an adventure down the coast, perhaps i shall jump on a whale's back and simply float down to her *

one more month and i can start saving everything.  no settling for me my dears, out of canada i need to be.  sweden, italy, spain, indonesia, fiji, thailand, australia, the rest of the world?  yes, please!  to make a little extra cash, i think i am going to create a few of my feather hair pieces to sell, any takers?  i can't believe in one month that all my classes shall be over!  i am so very lucky to be able to create everyday in my classes, to express myself, become involved in meaningful things.  i am even lucky for my fashion fix on weekends, styling girls in evening gowns.  i had the most beautiful soul come in, she was getting a dress for grad.  she came back three weekends in a row, just so she could have me help her with her measurements and find the perfect dress, and take my opinion of how to sew/take things in.  we settled for a dark green gem stone color, and it made me think of that time in my life, when i had my mum (my bestest) and an idea of what i wanted... i still get compliments on my beautiful dress that now only hangs in my closet *sighs*, i really do need to get it shortened!   vanessa, of vanessa and zac (duh), wore a dress similar to mine this year at the golden globes, and i fell in love all over again.

xx

05 m.

my life is all quotes.

someone else's words, that are now my own.

my head, won't meet my mind, won't meet my heart, won't put words together:

the loveliest lawrence:

"death is the only pure, beautiful conclusion of a great passion."

"but better die than live mechanically a life that is a repetition of repetitions"

wow.

"all i've ever wanted, is someone to stop me from thinking."

-unknown.

www.laurelisays.blogspot.com

i dare you.

these days.

my heart is in knots that look more like bows.

i have a major:  Digital Media

life is lovely.

she left him for emily dickinson.

12 am thoughts.

i spent the day looking for inspiration.

wrote a piece on coco rocha.

ate green apple candy.

listened to my manic & i.

looked at my family tree.

wanted.

needed.

loved.

wander.

right now:

"and sometimes i'm convinced my friends think i'm crazy, get scared and call him but he's usually hazy.....  sleep will not come, because sleep does not will it and i don't believe him.  morning is mocking me..... oh the gods that he believes never fail to amaze me.  he believes in the love of his god of all things, but i find him wrapped up in all manner of sins.  the drugs that deceive him and the girls that believe him, i can't control you.... these are the reasons that i think that you're ill.....  and i'm sorry young man, i cannot be your friend.  i don't believe in a fairytale end.  i don't keep my head up all of the time.  i find it dull when my heart meets my mind"

"some people are settling, some people are settling down, and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies."  

i am the latter.

bramasole

"what is it about love that makes us so stupid."  -fm

kate.

happy one-day-late birthday to kate moss.

xx

lykke li.

lykke li in vancouver again in... so soon.

sighs *

xx

today: 3 new dresses.

hands down, i'm too proud for love.

parts of the alphabet is getting lonely, so back to that for "poetry & writings".... cause of shipwreck will be for everything else.   

short thoughts.

do you remember the day you put the world inside your pocket?

texture and sound.

swedish girls have the most gorgeous blogs/photos/style/faces.

hiatus.

i am on a hiatus of sorts.

no facebook, no phone (well, for the most part).

i need clarity.

creating everyday has been going well though... and today was the first day of classes that i didn't get home and think "i wish i were anywhere else but here." 

l.o.v.e. right now

L like an arrow

leading me to your mOuth,

or the moon.

i wonder now,

if i am the fluid pumping to your heart,

or simply falling away from you

down,

 down,

   down,

in your Veins...

the last one standing --Ever after-- is a lie.

the way it should be.

1:52 a.m.

minus the 20 minutes i set the clock ahead

plus the moments i think of you

1:32 a.m.

eyelash secrets.

i am drawing eyelashes

tons of tiny eyelashes

i wonder how many secrets i could store in them.

i feel it all.

one year.

she gave herself one year to get it together.  how many years was this going to take?  

one year to figure out "I" -- the singular pronoun.  

and now, one year to use it in sentences.

"I am doing this for me"

"I am my own, my very best kept secret, the most important thing"

"I define myself"

"I would love to...."

to truly come to grips with it.

it's so nice to be able to feel again.     

it was white, the silk robe that hung on her frame.
she wore white sunglasses to shield out the sun, to make everything a little darker.
everything felt dark. there were no colors.
her arms around her legs,
her legs pulled to her chest,
she held on tight, to keep her heart from falling to the floor.

the sun, still, insisted on shining through her faded curtains,
its pervocative rays alluring..... full of lust, and even life.
she wanted no part of this. not now.

she was tall like a willow -- but she had never felt so small.
who was to love her never-ending tree legs now --
odessa? byrdie?
they had forgotten her too.

tell me, how do you make someone feel?
can they forget?

...............................................................................

a novel idea.

she is not-so-tall
and far-too-pretty
and he loved her.
he was the only one who knew her.

my biggest secret.

a conversation meant for 2
is actually shared by 3

technology will get us all

you are wrong
you opened up a raging yesterday
you asked, "* * * * * * * "
[and i still can't face the words.]

exiting now (then),
wouldn't save you from new grudges.

thinking of beds.

i am the poet
and so i have the privilege
of writing our story
anyway i'd like to (i might make it all truths because no one, not even you, ever could)

from the perspective of our pillow talk
or,
the map your footprints followed.

half of 24.

i've changed my sleep pattern.
i have completely turned it upside down,
inside out.

time -- it just passes -- slowly.

i wonder when the nights will become safe. (it has been years)
i wonder when the days will have meaning. (it has been months)

i sleep 12 hours a day.

loyalty -- where's yours?

you're cut.

nothing like a little rb.

"he wanted to build you a house out of your own bones

but that's where you were living anyway"

*note i do not know where this photo is from... i forget*

with all the luck you've had, why are your songs so sad.

will you be my lorelai gilmore?

rory says.....

"it comes in waves you know,

big ones, really close together."

she married the moonlight.

ah!
your scent has burried itself
far
too far
into my pillow

toss & turn
fuck & love

not even the open windows and the thieving winds can take you away

a musk of staggering betrayal.

ophelia 2.

ophelia placed a belt around her waist -- high and tight.
one could practically see it cradling her bones,
holding her together.

it was nearly noon and her yesterday lover was strewn across the bed,

suffocating their secrets.
he'd wake soon, and realize she was untouchable.

her tiny wrists had been too hard to hold
and though she spoke endlessly, her words were not for him.
simply floating through the room, her words slipped down the metal fire escape,
out into the street amongst the models and junkies and washed out actors.

these words had no destination,
nor did she.

ophelia wasn't settling,
ophelia was always dreaming.

poetry to wine.

tonight,
tell me a story of your greatest love
your most ferocious love affair

for i have not heard of such
true tales
for far too long

have everyone's hearts stopped?
surely,
this cannot be true!

ophelia.

ophelia lay, blowing smoke from her love-stained lips into tiny haikus.

her body was sharp.

i was intimated by her beauty
everyone, everything was.
her shadow was not even her own.
it was timid,
scared that it could not do her naked frame justice.

her legs were crossed
the light illuminated off the jagged points of her hips.

have you got it in you?

the only safe place is her bed
but even here has been cursed
for a man of poor love
(and her poor judgement)
has rested the small of his back there.

between stained sheets
and a broken soul,
there is still hope for dreaming.
for rest.
for peace.

but..... even her dreams
have turned on her,
haunted with escaping
moans of now --
someone else fucking
on the bed
on the floor
(it's a sad way to die)

tiny hips no longer hers, turn and ache
dreams leaving her with eyes darker than
the black circles
that adorn her too pale skin.

life: snow, snow, snow.

Tonight I find myself wrapped up in my own winter wonderland.  The snow is falling softly, little feathers dancing from the sky.  And a girl named Jay is being kissed in a kitchen filled with the scents of thyme and lavender.  

04. waiting.

don't fall in love.

don't fall in love.

don't fall in love.

don't fall in love.

don't fall in love.

03.

lavender,

you wouldn't have to ask me to have sex with you,
to know that this was real.

boy who jumps (but really doesn't).

02.

there was absolutely
completely
no essence of you
left

not on the back of my neck

not on the curve of my spine

.........

someone (else) found
the angel on my back
traced it with their (his)
fingers
and told me
maybe dreams aren't so easy

but living without soul
is far harder.

lenoresays...

"and i have danced with you

whirling naked bodies entwined

thigh to thigh

tongue to tongue 

on fire."

01.

we made it doubles.

from drinks to the beating of our hearts.

your words weren't too pretty,

but your body was.

so i kissed you with an intensity

that i reserve for moments,

such as this,

to make them my own,

to make them real.

this wasn't about love,

or you.

it was about me........   and my desires.

the upside of anger.

en este momento, i am finished with exams, wondering why my forehead is slightly swollen, and deciding which pair(s) of tights i will bring to victoria.  i am terribly excited to see my josephine and taylooo.  

[i'd pack you too, but life is meant for secrets right now.]

i think our words will spill with the wine from our glasses, as two of us now have new reasons to be more selfish than ever.  and for this, i am grateful.  it will be nice to talk in truths (i think most of you are living a lie).

yesterday, him (a boy with eyes too deep and lips too soft) and i sparked up our every-few-months conversation.  i don't think he knows how much i appreciate him.  or, at least how much i like the way my lips fit on his.  he is secret.  everything, right now, is secret.  sometimes, i wonder, if we are more to one another.  sometimes i wonder, if because we don't lie, we don't pry, we keep it "us", if this makes us more to one another, then the one who lays next to us each night.  i'm starting to wonder if these are the things, the moments, the people who actually matter most...

i really adore life right now.

i've missed this:

-meeting new people

-strangers and taking things too far, too fast

-the presence of beauty in everything 

-secrets  (the best kind, the good kind)

-LIVING 

xx

future things:

let it fall.

relationships and their endings, are like death.  

from innocence to anger in four years, two months and three days.  clearly, there is a moment that becomes a breaking point.  sometimes, people say they don't remember when the moment was, or how it happened, but they are fooling themselves.  there are always reasons, and there are always answers.  

changing you, this moment becomes more important than the innocence, more important than the stars that were your eyes, and the moment you lost yourself in his glance.  like lavender says, "you become angry, good and angry".  this is necessary.  this anger is necessary because it makes everything real.  and while it changes you, shapes you, perhaps even ruins you in many ways, at least it is real.  

the important thing, like in any death, is for your anger and your grief to have an ending.  there is a point, when everything settles.  when anger, that wasn't ever really comforting to begin with, falls away.  

if you have loved, you'll know this.  if you do love, you should accept this.  and if you haven't loved but crave to, so much so that you are willing to become passionately crazed... then you have no idea what you are in for. but i promise you, there's nothing more exhilarating than love.   i'll always be a lover, a romantic by choice, and i'll love over and over and over again.  never settle, never cease.  

sundays aren't so sunny sometimes.

at some point, although i am not sure at which point this was, we all became strange and intolerable.  really.

lavender says...

people don't know how to love.  they bite rather than kiss.  they slap rather than stroke.  maybe it's because they recognize how easy it is for love to go bad, to become suddenly impossible... unworkable, an exercise in futility.  so they avoid it and seek solace in angst, and fear, and aggression, which are always there and readily available.  or maybe sometimes... they just don't have all the facts.

step away from me lover.

every moment seems to have a melody.

cat power was bali.
atmosphere in mexico.
aimee mann is driving long distances.
sam phillips was the summer.
sia is for art.
laura veirs was for longing, missing, hoping, wanting.

and for as many reasons as i loved them to start,

i fall in love all over again. (same reasons, different people, different places, different faces)



"metal heart, you're not worth a thing"



xx

what i'm reading:

ingridsays to laurelisays.

this morning i woke up
and told ingrid to be silent.
ingrid, not used to listening to such things surprised me,
she simply turned onto her right shoulder
and drifted back to sleep.

she was still
she was silent
she didn't ask me why,
nor did she want to fight with me by
giving me lines about
how the wands wouldn't let this happen,
that oleander sprigs would be a far better
and much more deserving fate
for lingering and cold hearts.

instead,
she drew the ugliness
in lines - scratched pencil lines
in gold and blue ink.

she told me to find the words,
the words that have offered me comfort,
that have shown me more love
than the men who disappoint.
she asked me to erase them
and begin to form new sentences, new words, new importance.

sitting in hallways.

the general annoyance
of half conversation
in muted whispers

keep
mumbling
on.

life: "kate was just born cool"

goodness,

i think my words have spent far too long mixed up in the wrong sentences, placed in the wrong phrases.
poetry wasn't meant for such sorrow (or maybe it it, but it's just growing old).

i have spent many days trying to write, for certain someones and no-one-in-particular, the importance of both love and beauty. then, i realized, that most of these certain someones and no-ones-in-particular, probably wouldn't be able to swallow such truths. maybe those words will be found here soon.

there are a few things that 09 is meant for:
- having no career (yes. i am too young, too restless.)
- having no baby-mama-drama (keep your children far, far away from me. i probably will not think they are cute. i probably will not think you are cute.)
- writings. lots and lots and lots of writing.
- planning. lots and lots and lots of planning.
- books. reading. knowledge.
- listening to lykke li at all hours, in all moments, for all reasons.
- saving not spending.
- forgiving and forgetting.
- eating fruit.

please note, the indonesia/fiji/singapore/australian/wherever-the-fuck-i-want-to-go trip is in the works. travel companions are welcome, but not necessary. there will be: love affairs, kate moss fashion, literature, beaches, bronzed bods, and beauty. you probably will be jealous.

for jesse.

the world was supposed to stop.

everything was supposed to stop.   hault.  finish. end. 

sentences were supposed to have periods.

words were supposed to be no more.

and yet, here we are,

still, using, commas,

to, keep, this, conversation, going.

you would have wanted things to be this way.

----

i couldn't imagine losing a best friend....

so, today my heart aches for you.

*soon there will be words here*